Tuesday, February 01, 2005

music snob

Very few bands finished like The Beatles: On top, with nowhere to go but down. Instead, many bands find ways to embarrass themselves and bastardize their legacies long after their classic material has passed from the radio dial. I decided to list some of the worst offenders who come to mind. Great artists that changed the music landscape...then lingered a bit too long...

Older artists…

PINK FLOYD – The Final Cut should have been final, just ask Roger Waters.
THE ROLLING STONES – ‘Dirty Work’ anyone?
THE WHO - You’d think that the death of two founding members would be seen as a divine hint to throw in the towel…but no…
THE DOORS – Only on this list for a technicality – reuniting, minus two original members, along with the dude from The Cult who performs dressed in Jim Morrison drag. Pathetic.
THE MOODY BLUES – Mike Pinder, where are you!?
JETHRO TULL – I’m reading the rock-star handbook, and nowhere in here does it say: “Release an album, regardless of quality, at least once EVERY year.”
GENESIS – They turned into Phil Collins’ back-up band after 1983’s ‘Genesis’, but the real crime was the Ray Wilson led atrocity, ‘Calling All Stations’.
CHICAGO – Sorry boys, but the minute the under-appreciated Terry Kath died, you officially lost any chance of being cool ever again.
QUEEN – I have an idea, let’s decide to follow-up a gorgeous swan song like ‘Innuendo’ with another record – ‘Made In Heaven’. It’s the album where we take all the crappy filler off our previous albums (also known as every Roger Taylor song), rewrite them, ruin them, forget how to rock, and suck. Then, after our bass player leaves because we’ve become whores to the Brit-Pop youth movement (performing with boy bands and Robbie Williams), we’ll recruit a new singer and plan a tour because we’ve lost all self-respect. Yippie!

Newer artists…

REM – Dear God, please stop making albums! Its cruel treatment to your helpless fans!!
SMASHING PUMPKINS – Billy really took arrogance to a new plateau with his last album, ‘Machina/The Machines Of God’. Hey Billy, find me the God who will make me sit through that entire album, and I’ll be its machine any day. I mean, seriously, what the hell is going on there during the middle of ‘Glass And The Ghost Children’? Did you just really hate people that day?
PEARL JAM – Props for sticking to your own muse…I just wish that muse didn’t suck.
THE OFFSPRING – You used to be fun, rock’n, and catchy. Now I confuse you with Smash Mouth and Sugar Ray. Wow.
MADONNA – At your age, I’m not saying you still can’t be sexy…but let’s try to find a DIFFERENT kind of sexy. Sharing the screen and stage with the Christinas and Britanys of the world just makes you look old.
RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS – Ok, so most people still dig them and they put out catchy albums. But all the sun-soaked harmonies and Rick Rubin gloss can’t compare with ‘Mother’s Milk’, ‘Freaky Styley’, or ‘Blood Sugar Sex Magic’. Seriously, my parents like the band's new music. Lame.
AUDIOSLAVE / VELVET REVOLVER – The bands that all you dudes came from were great, ran their course, and all quit just in time (minus one point, STP, for that ‘Shagri-La-Di-Da’ bullshit). But then you all went off to form boring, derivative, uninspired, hype-driven super groups. Follow-up albums are gonna be a bitch…


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